THE AFRICAN COURIER. Reporting Africa and its Diaspora! The African Courier is an international magazine published in Germany to report on Africa and the Diaspora African experience. The first issue of the bimonthly magazine appeared on the newsstands on 15 February 1998. The African Courier is a communication forum for European-African political, economic and cultural exchanges, and a voice for Africa in Europe.
In her new short autobiographic book, Cologne-based legal scholar and creative author Nesa narrates her story, of an African girl who was born in Germany but raised in the continent and now lives in the country of her birth. This is the 6th episode of Nesa’s chronicles, in which she goes personal, recounting her journey to finding her dream man and offering invaluable tips for those seeking life partners.
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Let’s pause from school and work life for a moment and dive into my personal life. This wouldn’t be a complete chronicle without sharing some private moments. Well yes, your girl got married… and no, it doesn’t end there—she had a baby too!
We’ll get into the wild ride of pregnancy and giving birth next week, but for now, let’s chat about relationships. Marriage is wonderful, but there are crucial factors to consider when deciding to share your life with someone. It’s not just about cohabiting; your life becomes intricately intertwined with the person you choose.
Lesson One: Who You End Up With Matters
Living in a foreign land can be incredibly isolating, which makes choosing the right person to share your life with even more crucial. It’s not a decision to rush; it’s better to wait for the right person than to end up with the wrong one. The quality of your life can improve exponentially, becoming more peaceful and joyful, depending on who you choose to be with. Conversely, the wrong choice can have the opposite effect, bringing stress and unhappiness.
When I moved to Germany, I realised how important it was to find someone who shared my beliefs and values. It wasn’t just about companionship but about building a life together. Their vision and goals needed to align with mine. In my time here, I met unsuccessful and successful couples. I noticed a common thread among the successful ones: a shared goal. They might have been on different paths, pursuing different careers or interests, but their end goal was always the same.
Truly, two are better than one. You can complement each other and achieve more together than you ever could alone. Imagine the strength of a partnership where each person brings their unique strengths to the table, where one’s weakness is balanced by the other’s strength.
Choosing the right partner means finding someone who will stand by you through thick and thin, who will encourage you to grow, and who will grow alongside you. It means having a cheerleader on your worst days and a co-pilot on your best. It means having someone whose presence makes the challenges of living in a foreign land a little less daunting and a lot more enjoyable.
Lesson Two: Your Child Will Reflect Your Partner
Our children are mini versions of us, carrying a blend of our traits and characteristics. It’s fascinating to observe how, even before they enter this world, they already possess the chromosomes from both parents. This genetic blueprint shapes not only their physical attributes but also their potential personality traits and talents.
But it’s not just genetics at play here; the influence of your partner on your child’s development is profound. The environment your partner helps create, their values, behaviours, and even their reactions to everyday situations all play a significant role in shaping who your child becomes.
Looking at my child now, it’s like peering into a mirror reflecting both my husband and me. He doesn’t just inherit our physical features; he also exhibits character traits that clearly come from each of us. Sometimes, it’s in the way he laughs or his curious nature—so reminiscent of his father. Other times, it’s in his stubborn determination to figure things out on his own, a trait he undoubtedly gets from me.
My husband’s influence is evident in the everyday life of our child, making me realise how much of who our child becomes is shaped by the person I chose to share my life with. It’s a constant reminder that our partners don’t just impact our lives; they also leave an indelible mark on our children’s future.
Lesson Three: Know What You Want
Before meeting my husband, there were two relationships that stood out and taught me one of the most important lessons about choosing a partner.
The first relationship was with an amazing guy, someone I still respect and cherish to this day. He was a great person, but our beliefs didn’t align. I am a Christian, and he is an atheist. On paper, we were perfect, but in reality, it didn’t work. The things that mattered deeply to me seemed like rhetoric to him. For me, my relationship with God was non-negotiable; it was a foundational piece I needed in my future family. So, if that meant letting go, then I had to let go. Was it easy? No. Was it heartbreaking? Yes. Looking back, do I regret it? Absolutely not. Now more than ever, I know I made the right choice.
The second relationship was with a guy who had a lot of personal issues. I used to have the “I-can-fix-you” syndrome. I saw all the red flags but thought I could fix him. I started falling into a dark rabbit hole. He started rubbing off on me, and I noticed myself morphing into who this person was and who he wanted me to be. Where was I in all this? I was slowly losing myself. So I had to ask myself, “Is this what you want? Can you overlook these things for the rest of your life? Do you want this for yourself? Are you becoming who you are supposed to be, or are you becoming what someone else wants you to be?” When all my answers were negative, I knew something had to change.
I needed to know who I was, what my principles were, and where I wanted to be. In understanding those things, I was able to be the best version of myself for the best version of the person I was meant to be with. Knowing what you want in a partner is crucial. It’s about understanding your non-negotiables, your values, and your vision for the future. It’s about ensuring that your partner complements you and helps you grow, rather than diminishes who you are.
Practical Advice on Relationships
Make sure your partner is not just someone you love, but someone you can build a future with. Look for shared beliefs, common goals, and a vision for the future that excites both of you. In the end, who you end up with can make all the difference in your journey, turning what could be a lonely path into an adventurous and fulfilling ride.
Conclusion
Navigating the complexities of relationships in a foreign land has been a transformative journey. These experiences taught me to look beyond the surface and understand the deeper aspects of relationships. It’s not just about love and attraction; it’s about shared values, mutual respect, and a vision that aligns. When you know what you want, you are less likely to settle for less than you deserve, and more likely to find a partner who truly complements your journey.
